What do I have to do to be a part of a group of friends where we do everything together and are roommates with one another and are always there for each other like in tv shows?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!
sometimes i think i’m sassy and then i realize i’m just too sarcastic and borderline mean
"I’ve decided not to fall in love again. It’s a disgusting habit."
— Anna Karina in Pierrot Le Fou (1965)
Sleeping with sunglasses on. #3rdshiftstruggles #lookingcutetho ✌️😎
Idk if this is a bug or not, but if it is, I don’t want my residents to get it so I will be rocking this for all personal care. #coolkid #yaymedicalfield #feelsosick
#tbt I used to be a rock star 😎
this is 911 state your emergency
YES I NEED HELP IMMEDIATELY I CAN’T FIND MY LIZARD
911 I THINK MY LIZARD IS BROKEN
YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT PROBLEMS? MY PHONE SEEMS TO HAVE LOST IT’S LEGS
911 I CAN’T GET MY PHONE OFF THE RECEIVER
MA’AM YOUR PHONE NEEDS TO BE IN THE UNLOCKED POSITION AND MAY NEED TO BE PROVIDED WITH ADDITIONAL HARDWARE TO FUNCTION CORRECTLY.
YES HELLO 911 CAN YOU HEAR ME I DROPPED MY HEADSET IN THE WATER DO YOU READ
TO BE HONEST 911, I AM NOT SURE WHAT MY PHONE IS DOING
911 MY PHONE IS FACING THE WRONG WAY AND I CAN’T GET IT TO TURN AROUND.
yes 911 hello all these people are crazy
where the fuck is the bartender
money can’t buy happiness but it can buy a false sense of security and fruity alcoholic beverages to numb the pain and honestly what’s the difference
went to get a glass of wine and realized I had no corkscrew. So I googled ways to open a bottle without one and like 10 minutes into trying the “stick a knife into the cork, turn it and pull it out” method (which is not as successful as the internet would have you believe) I remembered that mom has like 8 billion pocket knives with corkscrews so I went and knicked one from her room. yay boy scouts and their constant preparedness!!!
I knew this was going to be a bad idea when I made these plans but I still went and now I feel fucking miserable but I have a bottle of wine in the fridge now (because I forgot to pick some up on my way home from work because I’m dumb) and I’m supposed to go hang out with someone else but I kinda really don’t want to. Like i really just want to stay home but I guess I’ll go hang out for a bit and then come home and get stupidly drunk and go to sleep and try and pretend I don’t have emotions anymore.